This really resonates with me. As a full time working mom in a prosperous suburb, I always felt excluded. I couldn’t drive the kids to activities or after school events and felt guilty asking stay at home moms for help, because I knew reciprocation was an expectation. Now, as a longtime empty nester, I still feel the longing for girlfriends while I maintain my independence and frequent moves for new job opportunities. I’m the perpetual outsider, and maybe that’s why I’m now closer with recently arrived refugees in my community than I am with people who look like me. We are displaced, regardless of the reason, and that experience draws us together.
In my case, I don’t think I would have connected with these women even if the logistics were there. I’m not a conformist - I can play the part for a time: dutiful wife, attentive mom, social friend - but none of them are the real me. I’ve learned over the years that the masks are difficult to maintain for long.
Honestly? I don't know whether to be thrilled or horrified this resonates. Fully expected torches-and-pitchforks backlash for this one. According to my algorithm, I’m literally the last woman standing without the girl gang
No girl, the algorithm FEEDS you the girl gang and tells you that you need it. That you’re less without it. When those of us that have been there know that behind the insta shoot is one group chat and six others all strategically excluding someone in order to hen peck and fight for supremacy. You’ve hit the nail on the head with this piece.
I was in a very close mom group when my kids were little, and I was so grateful for the 8ish years of it; I enjoyed the girls trips (never with matching anything, and we wouldn’t post the adventures for all the reasons that make your skin crawl). But then it fractured in a few ways, and I’m only close to a few of them, and hardly see even those few anymore. And I had to start over, really. Find new tribe mates. The second time around, I’ve let go of wanting a group. I’m more about finding the individual women I vibe with at this stage, and then when I find two, I introduce them and try to grow from there. I also love meeting a new friend’s friends. I’m glad to no longer be in one circle. Sometimes I miss it, because I loved what it once was, but we all changed so it would no longer feel safe and comfortable. That’s all to say, your piece really struck me. Thanks ✨
'I look around my kids’ school and try desperately to connect, but the only common ground is having kids around the same age—and that’s not enough.' - This is how I feel and have been feeling for years. My son is 6, my daughter now 3, and I'm like damn...what do I have to show for it? Who do I have to show for it? Does it matter? Am I doing my kids a disservice? Ugh. I have a bit of chat at daycare pickup, sure, but it ain't shit. I swear I'm likeable!, I dunno man. The moms at my son's school are working from home, have cottages up north and I don't know why, but kinda pay me no mind...maybe I can't relate to the cottage but I mean, give me something else to work with, tell me how you're really feeling! All of this makes me think, okay so it's me? But it's not. I know it isn't but alas, I also want the invite and I will sort of dread going but I want to be pleasantly surprised as well!
This is incredibly relevant to my life as well. I want to have a group of close friends, but I don't have the capacity for it.
This really resonates with me. As a full time working mom in a prosperous suburb, I always felt excluded. I couldn’t drive the kids to activities or after school events and felt guilty asking stay at home moms for help, because I knew reciprocation was an expectation. Now, as a longtime empty nester, I still feel the longing for girlfriends while I maintain my independence and frequent moves for new job opportunities. I’m the perpetual outsider, and maybe that’s why I’m now closer with recently arrived refugees in my community than I am with people who look like me. We are displaced, regardless of the reason, and that experience draws us together.
Such an interesting take - I wonder how much of it has to do with being a working mom vs not ?
In my case, I don’t think I would have connected with these women even if the logistics were there. I’m not a conformist - I can play the part for a time: dutiful wife, attentive mom, social friend - but none of them are the real me. I’ve learned over the years that the masks are difficult to maintain for long.
Perfectly summarized my same dilemma! Thank you!
Honestly? I don't know whether to be thrilled or horrified this resonates. Fully expected torches-and-pitchforks backlash for this one. According to my algorithm, I’m literally the last woman standing without the girl gang
No girl, the algorithm FEEDS you the girl gang and tells you that you need it. That you’re less without it. When those of us that have been there know that behind the insta shoot is one group chat and six others all strategically excluding someone in order to hen peck and fight for supremacy. You’ve hit the nail on the head with this piece.
I was in a very close mom group when my kids were little, and I was so grateful for the 8ish years of it; I enjoyed the girls trips (never with matching anything, and we wouldn’t post the adventures for all the reasons that make your skin crawl). But then it fractured in a few ways, and I’m only close to a few of them, and hardly see even those few anymore. And I had to start over, really. Find new tribe mates. The second time around, I’ve let go of wanting a group. I’m more about finding the individual women I vibe with at this stage, and then when I find two, I introduce them and try to grow from there. I also love meeting a new friend’s friends. I’m glad to no longer be in one circle. Sometimes I miss it, because I loved what it once was, but we all changed so it would no longer feel safe and comfortable. That’s all to say, your piece really struck me. Thanks ✨
Wow, as a ftm this really resonated with me. You wrote articulated what I’ve been thinking
'I look around my kids’ school and try desperately to connect, but the only common ground is having kids around the same age—and that’s not enough.' - This is how I feel and have been feeling for years. My son is 6, my daughter now 3, and I'm like damn...what do I have to show for it? Who do I have to show for it? Does it matter? Am I doing my kids a disservice? Ugh. I have a bit of chat at daycare pickup, sure, but it ain't shit. I swear I'm likeable!, I dunno man. The moms at my son's school are working from home, have cottages up north and I don't know why, but kinda pay me no mind...maybe I can't relate to the cottage but I mean, give me something else to work with, tell me how you're really feeling! All of this makes me think, okay so it's me? But it's not. I know it isn't but alas, I also want the invite and I will sort of dread going but I want to be pleasantly surprised as well!