AN IMPOSSIBLE SITUATION

THE FIRES AFTERMATH, AIR QUALITY, CHILDREN & CHAOS

Let me begin this newsletter by acknowledging how incredibly lucky I am. I’m profoundly grateful that my house is still standing and, most importantly, that my family is safe. But as we all know, emotions aren’t singular; they coexist in complicated ways. Right now, I feel completely drained—emotionally tapped out. The whirlwind of feelings that surged through in the days following the fires’ eruption on Tuesday is beyond words. It’s overwhelming, chaotic, and, honestly, impossible to fully articulate—though “explosive” might be an unintentionally fitting description.

All I know is that I am constantly in a state of anger/ disbelief/ sadness and frustration. I feel a mix of wanting to throw up, cry, scream, and take a nap at all times

Jan 7th.

How it started

Fun fact:

• I always thought that in a moment like this I would be packing 4 suitcases - but I barely filled half of one / mostly with photos, the little jewelry I have left & 3 bags, , some old Celine things I deemed important enough.That was it. What surprised me most was how quickly the things I usually value so much—like an entire room full of clothes, for instance—suddenly felt meaningless when it came down to the essentials. In the face of urgency, their worth simply disappeared.

By the time we managed to evacuate and get to our destination the fires were out of control, you could see them all the way from the Manhattan Beach boardwalk.

Jan8

I tried to stay busy so my mind wouldn’t spiral - I found activities for Atlas and I tried my best to keep things normal - but I failed. I have been failing miserably at this every day since this started. How can you possibly be calm when your house might burn down?

Jan 10th

Shit hit the fan. We went to dinner with some friends while Atlas was in “Parent’s Night Out” in Artzone when my WATCHDUTY app started going crazy - the fires had jumped to Mandeville Canyon and were getting so close to our place- I honestly have never been so scared in my life.

I kept waking up every hour with crippling anxiety thinking about our beautiful neighborhood, our walks to school, the amazing neighbors, and the peace we had there. I’m not one to get too attached to places, I have been a nomad most of my life - but this house feels different. We fell in love with the neighborhood, while visiting a friend months before finding the house. Somehow the universe made it happen- just when we thought we had to settle for another place, while I was 9 months pregnant. It was kismet.

Jan 12th

I have learned to hate the word community over the last 5 years. Brands have seized the term to foster a sense of belonging that serves their bottom line more than the people they claim to unite.

LA has reinstated my respect for the word.

In a world where government failed, the community rose ( literally from the ashes).

So many people showed up to volunteer that some were turn down by organizations, there were so many clothing donations that at some point they started recommending we donate cash.

More than $100 million have been raised through GOFUNDMES. Just the verified list I made for Substack has raised over 4 million dollars directly for families. A 14th year old created a movement ( not a charity) when she launched Altadena girls - and the stories keep going and going.

Humans are inherently good, and when shit hits the fan they really do show up for each other.

Jan 13th Atlas turns 3

His princess Bday had to be rescheduled, and it breaks my heart. I am happy our house still stands, and I know we will throw him a party at some point, but everything feels so uncertain. I can’t help but feel guilty.

Shoutout to Nate, who came here to surprise him, balloons in hand. And Lilliana for helping me put together an impromptu Bday cake party at the local MyGYM ( and even make goodie bags for the children- which let’s face it, I would have forgotten even without the fires). Atlas being himself thought that all the kids that he has never met that went to my gym that day were there for him- and in a way they were.

Jan 18th - How it s going…

The place survived, and the neighborhood is “hazard-free”. We have the green sheets to prove it.

But how hazard-free is it?

I watched a webinar on air quality, led by 8 experts, which honestly left me with more questions than answers + crippling anxiety (cliff notes here) How bad was the air? What will be the reach of the damage air-wise? Is my area “safe”? Are the 9/11 studies comparable to what happened in California, or are the variables too different? What do we actually do? Do we all need to evacuate for the next 2 years? *

Never in a million years did I ever think I would need to be well-versed in AQI PM2.5 & VOCs.

I find myself in a surreal limbo right now, not knowing what’s right- especially given the immense responsibility of having to decide for our little children who will be the most affected. There’s no real data, because nothing of this magnitude has happened in a city. We basically lost 2 cities the size of Manhattan in a week!

Tensions are running high and we are all coming off a VERY traumatic event - because all of us, even if our house didn’t burn, are dealing with an immense sense of loss.

I am personally spiraling. I can’t stop researching, even when all the data is inconclusive, because I cannot fathom making a mistake. The stakes are too high, I have a baby that’s 9 months old and a 3-year-old. Kids inhale double the amount of air than adults! How can I let them breathe this air?

But how can I leave? And where would we go? We have a business, we built a life here. My husband and I spent an afternoon making an exercise of where we would go, we looked at all the options; in the US & abroad. We stalked Zillow, read about neighborhoods outside Manhattan (NYC), made diagrams- and landed back where we were. There is nowhere we rather live than LA. There is no other place that is equally as child-friendly, creative & opportunity-driven as LA. ( If you differ, please tell me where - because maybe we are missing something).

But now what? No matter what we choose, we lose. We have already lost.

How are we supposed to make life-changing decisions with such little data and in an unhealthy mental space?

It really is an impossible position to be in, no matter how you look at it.

And you know what the worst part of this is? WE ARE THE LUCKY ONES.

I could come up with a happy ending - one of those instagram quotes that makes you feel all cozy inside and give you a sense of hope . But this isn’t the time for toxic positivity. Right now, this hurts. There’s no sugarcoating it, LA won’t be the same. It is ok to accept that and still push through. It’s ok to help our community and promote our businesses. It is ok to post a happy picture about something silly and still feel bad for the thousands of victims. Everything is ok and nothing is ok all at the same time. And it will stay like this for a while. So let’s give each other some grace.

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*Here is the best source of information regarding Air I have found so far, shoutout to

Celia Chen

PS: if you can please donate to families in need - there is still a long way to go