Mom Rage: Why You’re Not a Bad Mom

(Just a Very, Very Tired One)

It starts small. Maybe your kid drops their snack on the floor for the third time today, and you—being the wise, evolved, zen-mom-wannabe you are—take a deep breath. “No big deal,” you whisper to yourself as you scrape soggy seaweed snacks off the floor. But then, an hour later, they hit you with a whiny I’m still hungryyyyyy, while your partner sits blissfully unaware, scrolling through their phone. And suddenly, you’re there—teeth clenched, fists tight, mom rage bubbling up like a shaken soda can.

So, what is this anger? Is it normal? Is it historical? (Spoiler alert: Yes. Marie Antoinette likely lost it when her kids refused to eat their steak… or let them eat cake instead.) More importantly, how do we deal with it without losing our minds or traumatizing our offspring?

Welcome to Mom Rage 101, where we get real about maternal fury, why it’s not your fault, and what the experts (who have probably never stepped on a Lego barefoot at 2 a.m.) say you can actually do about it.

A Brief (and Hysterical) History of Mom Anger

Motherhood and anger go way back. Like, ancient civilization back. Harriet Lerner, author of The Dance of Anger, reminds us that women have been conditioned for centuries to suppress their fury. Because an "angry woman" has historically been seen as dangerous, unnatural, or just plain unlikable.

But, as Soraya Chemaly points out in Rage Becomes Her, anger isn’t a sign of failure—it’s a flashing neon sign that something needs to change. “When we’re told to suppress anger,” she writes, “we are also being told to accept our circumstances.” And what are those circumstances?

• Carrying the mental load of remembering your kid’s classmate’s nut allergy while your partner can’t remember where the extra paper towels are.

• Being asked “What’s for dinner?” like you’re a live-action Magic 8-Ball for meal planning.

• Feeling like a failure because your toddler won’t eat anything except beige-colored carbs.

(Seriously, how do they survive on crackers and air?)

This is why Minna Dubin, in her book Mom Rage, argues that maternal anger isn’t just about our kids—it’s about the impossible, invisible labor of modern motherhood. We’re expected to “have it all” (whatever that means) while holding everything together, and when we inevitably don’t, we blame ourselves instead of, oh, I don’t know… the entire structure of modern society?

So, Why Are We All So Pissed Off?

It’s not just you. There are root causes of mom rage, and science backs it up:

1. The Mental Load (a.k.a. You’re the Default Parent)

Gemma Hartley, in Fed Up, describes emotional labor as “all the invisible work that keeps a household running.” You know, like remembering birthdays, signing permission slips, knowing when the last time the baby pooped was. If you have to ask your partner to help, you’re still managing everything.

2. The Perfect Mom Myth (Thanks, Social Media!)

There’s nothing like scrolling past a mom who just baked sourdough from scratch while also homeschooling her five kids in French to make you feel like you’re failing. Chemaly notes that anger often stems from unrealistic expectations, and nowhere are those more unhinged than Instagram.

3. Exhaustion (aka You’re Running on Caffeine and Spite)

If your toddler wakes up at 5 a.m. just for fun, and your idea of self-care is eating a granola bar in the car alone, you’re not getting what you need. And as Dubin puts it, "Mom rage is what happens when your needs have gone unmet for way too long."

So, What Do We Do About It?