HAPPILY NEVER AFTER

Complex Holiday season dynamics

Last week felt like the longest week of my life. We had planned a family trip to visit my mom in Mexico and I lied to myself into thinking this trip would be different. About once a year, usually around this time - which feels particularly sensitive and filled with Hallmart family photo ops from “normal” families, I succumb to my hopes and dreams and tell myself things will change. Things will change because I got married, because I had my first baby because I had my second baby, because I am being successful at work, because I lost weight, because this time maybe this time things will be where they need to be and I will get the family experience I dreamt of. If only for a couple of days.

You see, I had a great relationship with my grandma, she was always my favorite. I used to have sleepovers with her until the day she died. Even after I moved abroad I would come back every 3 months to Peru, and we would cuddle. My grandma Victoria, was not an easy person, I knew that. I also knew she had a very complicated relationship with my mother, but to me, she was Mama Vicky/ ChiChin the best grandma. The one that “got me”, the one that expected more from me because she knew I would live up to it, the one that I felt most similar to, even when I always felt completely out of place in my family. Later in life, after having kids, I realized how hard it probably was for my mom to see her mom mother me in ways she never mother her. I admired that in spite of her feelings, she had allowed for our relationship to be special in our own way.

So when I had kids, I projected this into their relationship with my mom. Maybe she was not a good mom, maybe she was a narcissist, but maybe she still had it in her to be a good grandma- and even though we would never have the mother-daughter relationship I had hoped for, maybe just maybe my kids will have a relationship like the one I had with my grandma. Surprise, none of these child fantasies played off.

You see my mom is a textbook narcissist:

narcissist: a personality disorder characterized especially by an exaggerated sense of self-importance, persistent need for admiration, lack of empathy for others, excessive pride in achievements, and snobbish, disdainful, or patronizing attitudes

I used to use that word as an insult quite frankly, but after years of therapy, I have come to the understanding that it is in fact a disease. A disease that creates a complete disconnect between the patient and the world around them, no matter how hard one tries to pretend it does not. This has really been the hardest thing to come to terms to, especially coming from a generation that thrives on merit. That no matter how good I am/ do/ achieve she will not change.

It breaks my heart to know my kids will grow up without a close-knit family. I have consistently tried to find ways around reality, creating worlds that did not exist in order to get the outcomes I wanted ( aka my Hallmart family picture moments) but all my efforts keep failing. At some point, we got to say enough is enough, or in my case, my therapist has to smack me back to reality.

I don’t know who needs to listen to this today, but my big aha moment this week was coming to terms that by forcing a close relationship with toxic family members I am actually hurting my children. The Latin notion that family should always come first does nothing but excuse family members of any level of responsibility, thus perpetuating unhealthy family dynamics (!!!)

This week marks the beginning of the holiday season, the happiest time of the year for some, and a very complex of the year for many others. I am not going to lie, it hurts a little to see all the beautiful big family photos, and not from a place of envy but from a place of longing. Longing for the reality some of us don’t have, no matter how hard we try. But something I was reminded of this week is that even though for some of us things are not as we wish they were, it’s important to leave space for “Surprise & Delight”. Maybe life/ destiny/ God has other plans for us, maybe our chosen families were the ones we deserved to begin with, and maybe our new traditions will exceed our expectations. So if you like me, have a complicated relationship with the holidays, please know you are not alone.

Cheers to the little families we make, and families we overcame in order to get here. I am proud of us.

Besos,

Victoria

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